Narcissists Manipulation Tactic 101: Intermittent Reinforcement

Hello my lovely subscribers and welcome to all who are new. 

Today we’ll be talking about an extremely dangerous manipulation technique. It’s a potent tool in a narcissist armoire - orchestrated to keep you addicted (and trapped) in an abusive relationship. 

Intermittent reinforcement. 

What is Intermittent reinforcement?

The abuser gives a delivery of rewards at random (and sporadic) intervals. 

E.g. Most of the time, a narcissist will treat you like your sub-human. But then, out of the blue, will be super kind. Maybe buy you gifts or give you a heartfelt compliment. This ‘niceness’ is tactfully engineered to give you a window of hope in a sea of cruel and callous treatment - to show you they might change, or they ‘still are’ the person you feel in love with.

Here are some examples:

• Giving you an elaborate gift after a rage attack

• Flowers after days of the silent treatment

• A moment of tenderness after hours of criticism

By dishing out ‘niceness’ unpredictably, the abuser conditions your mind to work hard to sustain a toxic relationship - to seek out breadcrumbs of their affection and approval.

To better understand this concept, I’ll take you back to the 1930s when B.F Skinner conducted a breakthrough experiment.

Theory of Operant Conditioning

B.F Skinner was a clever guy – in fact, he’s one of the most important psychologists of the 20th century. He coined the term ‘intermittent reinforcement’ after a curious experiment using rats. 

Skinner put rats in a cage and taught them to press a lever when they wanted food. The food was dispensed every time they pressed the lever. This is continuous reinforcement. 

After a while, he switched it up. Now, only sometimes would the rats get food when they pressed the lever, given in completely random patterns. The result?

The rats become obsessed with pressing the lever.

For the final part of the experiment, no food was given, no matter how many presses. Did the rats give up?

Absolutely not. On the contrary - they become more tenacious, more infatuated. Pressing this lever took precedence over their hygiene and other needs. 

The conclusion from this experiment was so:

When we expect rewards, we work less for them. But when rewards are unpredictable? We repeat behavior with more enthusiasm, and more blind hope to relish the joy of our hard work. 

This phenomenon is also seen in gambling addicts on a slot machine. The pull of the win is so tantalizing it defies logic, even when losses are crippling and wins are few and far between.

And that’s exactly what the narcissist does in a relationship. But instead of food, it’s positive attention. 

This makes you addicted to the unpredictability and severe highs and lows. 

Because chances are, at the beginning of the relationship it was all sunshine and rainbows. The narcissist will have lovebombed you, doted on you, and made you believe you’d be together forever. 

But as the relationship progressed, their behavior became toxic. You didn’t sign up for this! You wanted the kind, attentive person you met back in the beginning. The person you thought they were in the honeymoon phase. 

A narcissist knows the pull of these memories is strong. They also know you’d leave if they treated you terribly all the time.  

So by randomly rewarding you with periodic affection at unpredictable moments, it’ll keep you coming back for more. The trauma bond strengthens. The hit of dopamine you get after receiving a breadcrumb is larger than the hit from a stable love.

 But there’s more. 

The narcissists's random acts of kindness cause you to distrust your gut instincts about their true character, and your reality. You’ll think ‘Maybe they are a good person, and my reactions are unfounded?’ This doubt compels you to give more weight to their sob stories or apologies. Good deeds, when they come, seem amplified.

And eventually, you’ll give them credit for not abusing you, when they normally would.

What does the narcissist get? Someone to control, abuse, and give them the constant supply of attention they desperately need to feed their ego. Ironically, their instability drives victims to be a constant source of stability for them. 

Signs you're suffering from the effects of intermittent reinforcement:

· You never know where you stand

· Obsessing over what the narcissist meant/intended/is thinking 

· Ruminating on what you could have done differently

· Blaming yourself and feel you need to take responsibility for what went wrong

· Feeling distressed and in pain

· Constantly second guess yourself, rationalizing and talking yourself out of your gut instincts.

If you can relate, here’s what to do:

Being aware of this cycle is the first step to freedom. This is evilness in its purest form, and things will only get worse. So:

1. Talk to a trauma-informed councillor. Work with them to examine abuse and reconnect with reality. Addictions are hard to break, but with the right support, anything is possible.

2. Realize you deserve a relationship that nourishes and encourages you. Not one that sends your nervous system into overdrive. You deserve to be heard and valued, not depleted and exploited.

3. Set boundaries. Stand on them ten toes. The more you stick to them with no explaining or repetition, the less the narcissist will break them. Let them know that their manipulation tactics are seen and taken note of, subtly.

4. Honor your gut instinct. It’s your survival gift. Learn to trust yourself again.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week x